Scenes from Dating: Advice and Observations PART 3

I've been single and dating for six months. Here are some things I have noticed

As always with these posts, all pics my own and from a date unless otherwise credited!

Here's a quick recap of context for this post, carried over from Part 1 and Part 2! Here is what dating looks like for me currently:

• I am in my late thirties
• I am dating via online dating apps
• Right now, I am only dating cis men
• This is based on my experiences dating in Vancouver/BC's lower mainland only

We are all responsible for creating a healthy dating culture

If you are dating and on the apps, you are an active participant in shaping dating culture today. It doesn't matter what app you're on, who you date (gender, sexual orientation, etc), we all have a role to plan in making the dating culture more or less toxic. 

None of us are passive actors here, even if you don't ask people out or plan dates, that is still a way of showing up to dating culture.

None of us are perfect and all of us have bad days, and still, remember that the energy you put out there is what you get back. 

If you ghost, you will get ghosted. 

If you are unclear about what you want, people will be confused or unsure. 

If you don't communicate, they won't either. 

If you come in swinging, they'll probably get defensive. 

Thank you consent wizardry for nailing it!

Dating and being single can be an incredibly vulnerable place to be in. We're all nervous and unsure! You can exacerbate this feeling, or you can recognize it for what it is and be kind to one another. 

I offer this quote from Tears to Triumph by Marianne Williamson as food for thought on this matter:

"The primary issue in our relationship to anything is purpose.The ego's purpose in a relationship is to withhold love, while the spirit's purpose is to extend it. The ego sees the world as something to serve it, while the spirit sees the world as something for us to serve. [...] How many times have you been asked, "What are you looking for in a relationship?" rather than, "What is the greatest gift you feel you can bring to a relationship?"

- Marianne Williamson

How to ask someone out

More from Nicole LePera here!

In the previous instalment, I talked about how to not ghost and how to turn someone down clearly and politely. Now let's talk about how to ask someone out. 

The good news is, its extremely simple and I have also had a very high success rate of asking guys out/making the first move with the notable exception of Tinder--I had bad luck asking guys out on Tinder and I'm not totally sure why. On Hinge and of course Bumble I've had great success asking guys out.

What I do is I chat with guys for a little bit, and once I establish if they are someone I'd like to meet in person, I usually say something like:

At any rate, you seem cute and fun, if you want to hang out sometime, let me know!

OR

Ha you're right about [connect to whatever you're talking about]. I'd love to chat more about this, want to meet up sometime this week?

OR 

Connect asking someone out to your conversation and shared interests:

That's crazy you like Persephone books too! You know who has a great selection of their books -- Upstart & Crow on Granville Island. Want to meet up there and check it out this weekend?

OR Tbh, I think [X restaurant name] makes the best banh mi. If you're free Weds night, want to meet me there and we'll try together?

I want to be clear: this works for me 9 times out of 10. The one time it doesn't work, oh well, you never know what someone else has going on in their life, and there are plenty of other people who DO want to meet up, so stay focused on that instead. 

Rejection happens in all life settings and scenarios. Just keep going. Again though, the vast majority of the time, guys are delighted and flattered that you've asked them out. 

Why aren't guys asking me out?

I've met a lot of guys who have said chats prior to a first date tend to go on too long because they're not sure if we are interested, and so they're hesitant to ask us out. 

If you think that asking a guy out instead of them asking you isn't romantic or gentlemanly, I would remind you: you're a grownass adult. 

Personally, I find that guys who declare themselves to be gentlemen are usually not. Actions speak louder than words, etc.

My colleague told me: "It took a long time, but I've finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."

- from The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

Be kind, but don't be precious. 

If you know what you want, ask. The worst they can say is no.

Everyone likes to know that someone else finds them attractive or interesting. 

Also, nothing beats face to face contact. You can chat to someone all you like, but you won't actually know what they're about til you meet them in person.

What's with all the lying about your full-time location??

A trend I have noticed this autumn while on the apps is guys not being forthcoming about their actual full-time location. 

I've chatted to a couple guys recently who, it turns out, are just doing an extended visit to Vancouver or who are in another city like Winnipeg or something, but just have their location set to Vancouver. 

I don't know what they're doing that, and technically, its none of my business to know why. Still, I make my boundaries clear. 

Here is a message I sent to someone recently after they disclosed they were just visiting Vancouver for a month:

Hey [Name], I'll be straight with you because I believe we are all responsible for making the dating culture better: I work full time and I'm in night school. I'm on here to date intentionally, and my spare time is precious. I do not have the capacity for anything long distance currently. I wish you the best of luck there!

And you know what, that may seem harsh, but consider:

• My boundaries and wants are clear
• I was speaking my truth
• I'm focusing on I statements/myself, I'm not interrogating him why he was misrepresenting his location (even though I was annoyed by this)
• Even with this message, the guy who received this was STILL appreciative of my clarity and took it very well!!

Political alignment is a spectrum, you can give people some grace 

If I was to believe everything I see online, I would be terrified every guy is stuck in the manosphere, and every gal wants to be a trad wife. 

The reality is that our experiences are very often much more nuanced and you actually need to go out and meet someone to see what they're like. 

What does/not cross a line for you is highly personal and up to your own values.

For example, I have been on dates with guys who are against the COVID vaccination but still get travel vaccines or flu shots. 

I've met guys who don't vote but are active in their labour union. 

I've met guys who were raised by stay-at-home mums who are very supportive of their former partner's full-time career. 

I've also met guys who work on the rigs and are pro pipelines, and they're also first or second-generation Canadians who support immigration and newcomers to Canada.

I'm not saying I'm for or against any of this per se, I'm just illustrating that things aren't as black and white as you might think. 

Painting people with one brush is foolish. And stereotypes are just that--stereotypes. Just because a guy has a blue collar job doesn't mean he is super conservative. 

Just because a gal really enjoys making a home-cooked meal doesn't mean she is trad wife.

Unless your immediate safety is at risk, give people the benefit of the doubt, listen and be curious, we're all complicated.

MORE DATING ON THE YAK OCCIDENTAL

Scenes from Dating: Advice and Observations (Part 1)

Scenes from Dating: Advice and Observations Part 2

What Does Being Single Look Like Now?

Best Of Yung Pueblo's "How to Love Better"

Best Of Emma Reed Turrell's "What Am I Missing?"

Best Of Marianne Power's "Love Me"

Best Of M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"

Can You Learn to Love if you Don't Love Yourself?

Best Of Jillian Turecki's "It Begins With You"