Best Of M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"
Here is a selection of memorable quotes from The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by M. Scott Peck.
As you can see from all of these quotes below, I got A LOT from this week. It was also very odd in many ways, a lot of which I didn't expect, so I can't fully recommend this book without a few caveats/FYIs, even though I found this book very insightful and valuable.
I was drawn to this book as bell hooks talks extensively about The Road Less Traveled in her opus, all about love. hooks even uses Peck's definition of love throughout her book. Peck's definition of love is, "I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Admittedly, I was put off my the "Traditional Values" whistle word emblazoned in the book's subtitle. However, if it was good enough for the late, great bell hooks, surely it would be good enough for me.
Turns out, "traditional values" referred to things like self-discipline, balance, and truth. That being said, much of the "spiritual growth" discussed in the book will likely land most for those who have a Christian background. Peck certainly does make reference to Buddhism and Hinduism, though minimally. While I would not say this is as explicitly Christian as 7 Habits, its def there enough that it is worth my mentioning.
This book is divided into three sections, and the last two in particular felt like they were written or part of a different book in a way--like if you are a therapist yourself, or a student studying psychology, or even more of an interest in pop psychology, this will likely resonate and appeal. If those things don't appeal to you, the pacing and general tone shift may be puzzling.
The core theory was so solid that I am genuinely moved to more thoughtfully apply it to my life, via reminding myself with the quotes below. My big keeper test, however -- will I be buying myself a copy of this book?
That brings me to THE caveat, the last, show-stopping, and frankly baffling caveat which is that briefly during one point in the book (literally, maybe a page and a half total and it is never brought up again), Peck pursues an utterly bizarre metaphor that uses slavery, with explicit, intentional and undeniable use of words like slave/master, slave owners, etc. The Road Less Traveled was first published in 1978 and then again in 2003, so even in its first publication, this wording and metaphor surely would have landed poorly. I am baffled that the editors even included it in the 2003 reprinting; it is jarring and does not add meaningfully to Peck's work. Peck was clearly an intelligent and highly-educated individual, yet this metaphor was such a bizarre stumble. It is so crass and jarring that this book will remain a "library only" book for me for now. Stick with the quotes below and go read bell hooks' all about love instead.
Truth or reality is avoided when it is painful. We can revise our maps only when we have the discipline to overcome that pain. To have such discipline, we must be totally dedicated to truth. That is to say that we must always hold truth, as best we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest, than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant and, indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for rain. Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.
p. 50
Indeed, all self-discipline might be defined as teaching ourselves to do the unnatural. Another characteristic of human nature-perhaps the one that makes us most human—is our capacity to do the unnatural, to transcend and hence transform our own nature.
p. 53
To be free people we must assume total responsibility for ourselves, but in doing so must possess the capacity to reject responsibility that is not truly ours. To be organized and efficient, to live wisely, we must daily delay gratification and keep an eye on the future; yet to live joyously we must also possess the capacity, when it is not destructive, to live in the present and act spontaneously. In other words, discipline itself must be disciplined.
p. 64
Without our anger we would indeed be continually stepped on, until we were totally squashed and exterminated. Only with anger can we survive. Yet, more often than not, when we initially perceive others as attempting to encroach on us, we realize upon closer examination that that is not what they intend to do at all. Or even when we determine that people are truly intending to encroach on us, we may realize that, for one reason or another, it is not in our best interests to respond to that imposition with anger. Thus it is necessary that the higher centers of our brain (judgment) be able to regulate and modulate the lower centers (emotion).
p. 64-65
Balancing is a discipline precisely because the act of giving something up is painful. In this instance I had been unwilling to suffer the pain of giving up my ecstatic speed in the interest of maintaining my balance around the corner. I learned, how-ever, that the loss of balance is ultimately more painful than the giving up required to maintain balance. In one way or another it is a lesson I have continually had to relearn throughout my life. As must everyone, for as we negotiate the curves and corners of our lives, we must continually give up parts of ourselves. The only alternative to this giving up is not to travel at all on the journey of life.
p. 66-67
Third, this unitary definition of love includes self-love with love for the other. Since I am human and you are human, to love humans means to love myself as well as you. To be dedicated to human spiritual development is to be dedicated to the race of which we are a part, and this therefore means dedication to our own development as well as "theirs." In-deed, as has been pointed out, we are incapable of loving another unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we ourselves are self-disciplined. It is actually impossible to forsake our own spiritual development in favor of someone else's. We cannot forsake self-discipline and at the same time be disciplined in our care for another. We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength. As we proceed in our exploration of the nature of love, I believe it will become clear that not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but that ultimately they are indistinguishable.
p. 82-83
People with this disorder, passive dependent people, are so busy seeking to be loved that they have no energy left to love.
They are like starving people, scrounging wherever they can for food, and with no food of their own to give to others. It is as if within them they have an inner emptiness, a bottomless pit crying out to be filled but which can never be completely filled. They never feel "full-filled" or have a sense of complete-ness. They always feel "a part of me is missing." They tolerate loneliness very poorly. Because of their lack of wholeness they have no real sense of identity, and they define themselves solely by their relationships.
p. 99
One of the aspects of dependency is that it is unconcerned with spiritual growth. Dependent people are interested in their own nourishment, but no more; they desire filling, they desire to be happy; they don't desire to grow, nor are they willing to tolerate the unhappiness, the loneliness and suffering involved in growth. Neither do dependent people care about the spiritual growth of the other, the object of their dependency; they care only that the other is there to satisfy them. Dependency is but one of the forms of behavior to which we incorrectly apply the word "love" when concern for spiritual evolution is absent.
p. 106
True listening, total concentration on the other, is always a manifestation of love. An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, stepping inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension and enlargement of ourself, and new knowledge is always gained from this.
p. 127
Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future. On some level spiritual growth, and therefore love, always requires courage and involves risk. It is the risking of love that we will now consider.
p. 131
But what is this force that pushes us as individuals and as a whole species to grow against the natural resistance of our own lethargy? We have already labeled it. It is love. Love was defined as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." When we grow, it is because we are working at it, and we are working at it because we love ourselves. It is through love that we elevate ourselves. And it is through our love for others that we assist others to elevate themselves.
p. 268
But others, sufficiently aware to know that they are lost, dare to hope that they can work themselves out of ignorance through developing even greater awareness. They are correct. It is possible. But such greater awareness does not come to them in a single blinding flash of enlightenment. It comes slowly, piece by piece, and each piece must be worked for by the patient effort of study and observation of everything, including themselves. They are humble students. The path of spiritual growth is a path of lifelong learning.
p. 284
And so it is with spiritual growth as well as in professional life. For the call to grace is a promotion, a call to a position of higher responsibility and power. To be aware of grace, to personally experience its constant presence, to know one's nearness to God, is to know and continually experience an inner tranquillity and peace that few possess. On the other hand, this knowledge and awareness brings with it an enormous responsibility. For to experience one's closeness to God is also to experience the obligation to be God, to be the agent of His power and love. The call to grace is a call to a life of effortful caring, to a life of service and whatever sacrifice seems required. It is a call out of spiritual childhood into adulthood, a call to be a parent unto mankind.
p. 301
Much as we feel oppressed by our parents—or by society or fate—we actually seem to need to have powers above us to blame for our condition. To rise to a position of such power that we have no one to blame except ourselves is a fearful state of affairs. As has already been mentioned, were it not for God's presence with us in that exalted position, we would be terrified by our aloneness.
Still, many have so little capacity to tolerate the aloneness of power that they reject God's presence rather than experience themselves as the sole master of their ship. Most people want Peace without the aloneness of power. And they want the self-confidence of adulthood without having to grow up.
p. 304
Everyone wants to be loved. But first we must make ourselves lovable. We must prepare ourselves to be loved. We do this by becoming ourselves loving, disciplined human beings. If we seek to be loved—if we expect to be loved-this cannot be accomplished; we will be dependent and grasping, not genuinely loving. But when we nurture ourselves and others without a primary concern of finding reward, then we will have become lovable, and the reward of being loved, which we have not sought, will find us. So it is with human love and so it is with God's love.
p. 309
There are many who, by virtue of their passivity, dependency, fear and laziness, seek to be shown every inch of the way and have it demonstrated to them that each step will be safe and worth their while. This cannot be done. For the journey of spiritual growth requires courage and initiative and independence of thought and action. While the words of the prophets and the assistance of grace are available, the journey must still be traveled alone. No teacher can carry you there. There are no preset formulas. Rituals are only learning aids, they are not the learn-ing. Eating organic food, saying five Hail Mary's before breakfast, praying facing east or west, or going to church on Sunday will not take you to your destination. No words can be said, no teaching can be taught that will relieve spiritual travelers from the necessity of picking their own ways, working out with effort and anxiety their own paths through the unique circumstances of their own lives toward the identification of their individual selves with God.
p. 310
