Best Of Dr. Nicole LePera's "How To Do The Work"

Here is a selection of memorable quotes from How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera

I enjoyed LePera's book for two reasons, however, I have one big caveat when recommending. The caveat is a cw -- she does briefly, explicitly talk about the supposed health benefits of fasting, which I personally feel is heavily coded in diet culture and fatphobia. The two reasons I really enjoyed it is that LePera is queer, so having the LGBTQ2S context at the forefront, not an afterthought, is rare and enjoyable. She also frequently offers an intersectional lens on things with regards to race, which is appreciated and feels thoughtful, though not as thoughtful of course as someone with that lived experience.  Still, it is better than nothing imo!

One can be only as connected to others as they are to themselves.

p.158

Later, with romantic partners, I sought the same stress cycles. I'd remain emotionally distant and largely unavailable, a pattern I learned with my mother in childhood. I'd only end up growing resentful over time as I held them solely responsible for the disconnection and distance I helped to co-create. Whenever they tried to move close, I'd push them away, unfamiliar with the intimacy. When they left, Id panic, running back to the familiar cycle of stress ("always something") from my childhood. My mind would race, thinking of all the ways a girlfriend failed me (an unanswered text message, an inconsiderate git, a stray comment of disapproval). No matter what, I could always find something to stress about. Even in the most peaceful moments, my mind would nag: Something is wrong. Maybe I'm not really attracted to this person. Maybe I'm over this relationship. I needed that stress response to feel. Without it, I felt numb—bored!-and eventually Id end up pushing the other person away or leaving, confirming my belief that I will always be alone.

p.157-158

We are always subconsciously seeking to relive our past because we are creatures of com-fort, who love to be able to predict the future, even if that future is certain to be painful, miserable, or even terrifying. It's safer than the

unknown.

p.163-164

The closer she comes, the more he pulls away, the greater her anxiety grows. Neither partner's needs are being met, and each partner grows upset with the other. This is the essence of the trauma bond dynamic. When needs are consistently unmet, resentment soon follows. Resentment is a relationship killer.

p.170

For a relationship to thrive, it can't be used as a means to fill the voids or wounds caused by a parent-figure. A healthy relationship provides space for mutual evolution. This is the essence of authentic love, when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed. Authentic love doesn't feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration. Authentic love feels safe. It's rooted in the awareness that the other person is not property, not something to be owned, and that your partner is not your parent-figure, not someone who can fix or heal you.

p.173

Authentic love doesn't always feel "good" or even romantic. The cycles of emotional addiction that we commonly associate with romance aren't activated, so it doesn't have the charge of excitement born of fear of abandonment or withdrawal of love and support. It is a grounded state. You do not need to perform in a certain way or hide parts of yourself to receive love. You will still feel bored or unsettled. You will still find yourself attracted to other people and may even mourn the loss of the single life. Conscious relationships aren't fairy tales. There's no"You complete me." There's no smile and poof!-living happily ever after. Like everything else you have encountered so far, authentic love requires work. The path forward is to become aware of the role of self-betrayal in your trauma bonds and the role that you can play in honoring your own needs.

p. 173

The primary goal in this communication would not be to change the other person's experience, it would be to express your own reality. There is a deep intrinsic value in expressing how we feel and how we view the past. If you can find this value and you're able to tolerate and hold space tor whatever reaction may come, you are ready to take part in a dialogue. If you're going in with the expectation that your parent-figures will apologize, validate your feelings, or affirm your experience, I would suggest holding off on having this conversation until you feel more tolerant of the uncertainty of the outcome. Your inner healing is the priority.

p. 216

Our fear of ostracization continues today, even if the stakes are lower. The evolutionary drive toward social acceptance makes it impossible for us to connect with the people around us when we are in a fear state. It makes us reactive and irrational. 

p. 226

I realized that when I'm angry or agitated another feeling live historically confused with anxiety benefit from moving my body. Anything that I experience as stagnating feels counterproductive. That means that when I'm feeling challenged, I take a walk. I do the dishes. I get my body moving any way I can to discharge the physiological energy associated with my feelings. When I try to ease my feelings by relaxing-reading a book (my favorite hobby) or taking a bath—it actually puts me more on edge. The opposite may be true for you, and you'll know only by trying it out when you are energetically activated.

p. 231