Can You Learn to Love if you Don't Love Yourself?
Do you really need to have achieved or practice self-love before you enter a romantic partnership? Three thinkers weigh in.
I've recently been re/reading some books that suggest or remind us that, despite popular opinion, you do not need self love first before you acquire or pursue romantic love with a partner. The reason generally being that most of us do not learn how to love in the first place!
That being said, one pop-psychology trope l'd like to erase from the ethos is the very commonly shared idea that no one will love you until you learn to love yourself. I call bullshit on this one, because I know from the work 1 do that we learn to love ourselves through the love we receive from others, ideally starting with our caregivers when we're young. The truth is, you can't love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love can't be built in isolation. Society pushes the idea that you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps and manifest things for yourself, even if you were never taught how to do that. But that's not really how love works. Instead, surround yourself with people who love you while you learn to love yourself. And, as your love for yourself grows, you will also attract and accept more love into your life from others.
p. 160 of Flex Your Feelings by Dr. Emily Anhalt
Undoubtedly, many of us are more comfortable with the notion that love can mean anything to anybody precisely because when we define it with precision and clarity it brings us face to face with our lacks—with terrible alienation. The truth is, far too many people in our culture do not know what love is. And this not knowing feels like a terrible secret, a lack that we have to cover up.
Had I been given a clear definition of love earlier in my life it would not have taken me so long to become a more loving person. Had I shared with others a common understanding of what it means to love it would have been easier to create love.
p. 11 of all about love: new visions by bell hooks
This ability to welcome growth into your life is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your partner. No one enters a relationship fully healed, completely wise, or perfect in their ability to love. Real love requires learning, adapting, letting go, and reaching new levels of peace and understanding.
p. 11 of How to Love Better by Yung Pueblo
