Scenes from Dating: Advice and Observations PART 2
Part 1 of this post was extremely popular, so here is a Part 2 on a few more observations about dating.
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| All photos throughout this post were taken by me and were taken during recent date experiences. |
So I am single again (more about that in a forthcoming post). I want to share some things that I have observed in dating this time around, as well as some things that have remained consistent since the last time I was single and dating.
Some stats for you to centre ourselves here:
- I am in my late thirties
- I am dating via online dating apps
- Right now, I am only dating/have dated cis men
- This is based on my experiences dating in Vancouver/BC's lower mainland only
EVERYONE HATES GHOSTING & I don't do it.
Listed first and all caps because it is so, so true! Gals hate it, guys hate it. I have a strict no ghosting policy that I have always done while dating. Is it awkward and often difficult? You bet. I usually need to amp myself up a bit to end things with someone, even if it was only a couple dates and one line via text. Like everyone else, I have been ghosted a few times, and it sucks (to be totally honest, I think its very cowardly).
Even when things go well and I am confident I made the right decision, I still dread not ghosting someone. My belief in clear communication and practicing my boundaries, however, is more important to me than the peace of mind and ease of taking "the easy way out" of ghosting. At least, I imagine it is way, way easier to ghost.
Here's the thing: every single guy I have chosen to not ghost has both taken it well and appreciated my honesty.
Here are some things that I have sent to guys rather than ghost them. And I promise you, every single one of these has been received well/no one has ever freaked out on me. Additionally, more often than not, the person on the receiving end actually and explicitly thanks me for my honesty, even if they express some disappointment.
I send these types of messages after they reach out and invite me to a date if I'm not feeling things anymore. What I send exactly of course depends on where I've been at mentally and emotionally at the time:
Hey, I enjoyed our date and I would like to stop here. [XYZ boundary or value] is really important to me. I wish you the best of luck out there!
Hi, it seems to me that we want different things from [dating, this relationship, life in general]. It's been nice getting to know you and I wish you well.
Hey, I didn't feel the spark that I was hoping to on our date. Best of luck out there!
To be honest, I'm not doing well right now and I'm going to take a step back from dating.
See? It's not an essay, it's not apologetic. It's just my truth, stated simply and clearly with no excuses.
Ghosting comes down to a few things: boundaries, and how you value and practice truth and honesty. None of these things are easy to do. And they won't get easier unless you try and practice, period. The propensity for ghosting is culturally bred into us. I've been re-reading bell hooks' all about love recently, and she has this to say about honesty and lying -- regardless of gender, we all have our toxic beliefs and bad habits that we need to commit to changing within ourselves:
Men are by no means the only group who use lies as a way of gaining power over others.
Indeed, if patriarchal masculinity estranges men from their selfhood, it is equally true that women who embrace patriarchal femininity, the insistence that females should act as though they are weak, incapable of rational thought, dumb, silly, are also socialized to wear a mask-to lie This is one of the primary themes in [Harriet] Lerner's The Dance of Deception. With shrewd insight she calls women to account for our participation in structures of pretense and lies—particularly within family life. Women are often comfortable lying to men in order to manipulate them to give us things we feel we want or deserve. We may lie to bolster a male's self-esteem. These lies may take the form of pretending to feel emotions we do not feel to pretending levels of emotional vulnerability and neediness that are
p. 42-43 of all about love by bell hooks
When we hear another person's thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, it is more difficult to project on to them our perceptions of who they are. It is harder to be manipulative. At times women find it difficult to hear what many men have to say when what they tell us does not conform to our fantasies of who they are or who we want them to be.
The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood on that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others. When men and women punish each other for truth telling we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear each other's truth and, most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.
p. 49 of all about love by bell hooks
Timing is everything and it's not personal
Self-awareness helps you see that perfection is not possible, but progress is.It helps you take responsibility for your own actions and gives you insight into other people. When you can come to terms with the ups and downs of your own life, patience and compassion start blooming for yourself and other people.p. 27 of How to Love Better by Yung Pueblo
Moving at your natural speed is not only one of the best ways to rebel-it is also one of the most important ways to love yourself. Society will try to push you into an unreasonable speed of existence, but adopting the speed of others will only cause you tension. A busy life does not automatically equal a successful life. Taking time to breathe and process your emotions is the best way to take intentional steps forward. These mini moments of getting to know yourself will help you produce skillful actions. When you practice moving organically, you will see that rushing was hampering your ability to share your gifts with the world.p. 80-81 of How to Love Better by Yung Pueblo
People are still exploring what they like, and that is a good thing!
I very much include myself in this category! Regardless of age group you are dating, people are still figuring stuff out. They might be figuring out what they like, who they like, what feels good, or what is next for them in life.
Reaffirming within yourself that you still have much to learn and that there are many people in the world you can learn from will support the humility that is needed to truly blossom in your happiness and freedom. Humility is one of the primary characteristics that gives stability to your inner peace. Humility requires a certain degree of inner balance where you have confidence in yourself, but you are also happy to hear the wisdom and experience of others in the hope that it may bring clarity to your own path.
p. 65 of How to Love Better by Yung Pueblo
To me, if someone is attempting a career transition or getting a Canadian passport for the first time, or if they are exploring their queerness, that can only mean that they value personal growth. They're not stuck in their ways, nor are they know-it-alls, both of which for me, at least, are green flags! To grow takes courage.
You've changed, other people change, too.
Very much connected to the above - in dipping my toes back into dating, I have reached out to some people I used to date when I was single the last time, and I'm pleased to see they have changed. One guy made a dream of his come true with regards to work. It is not something I would personally want for myself for work/career, however, I admire that he had a goal which he made happen; it shows dedication.
It may sound simple, but being comfortable with the fact that you have room for growth means that you have substantial courage and your ego is not dominating your thought processes. Growth automatically requires humility and the energy of self-love to act on what you know is best for you.
p. 255 of How to Love Better by Yung Pueblo
Another guy I dated, on the other hand, has changed...for the worse! (In my opinion at least). What I used to really appreciate about this guy was that he was very genuine and kind, I always felt very safe with him. When we met up again recently, however, he seemed like he was playing some mind games with me, which was very out of character for him. I wasn't feeling it, and I can't help but think that maybe he let some (admittedly very rough-sounding) experiences with dating in the time we were apart kind of poison him. I am sad for him, and where he is at now is also just not for me.
In reflecting on these two experiences, I realized of course that I have probably also changed for better or for worse in their opinions, or in ways that they admire but don't necessarily value for themselves. I also realized that this better or worse doesn't mean they are more or less of a good or bad person, it just means they are on their own journey, living out their values as they need to.
I'm not waiting til I'm 'healed' to date seriously again
[...] we don't have to get over our self-criticism or magically clear our lives of pain before we, too, run full speed toward what's important to us. We don't have to make any changes at all before we choose to do what's meaningful.
p. 265 of How To Be Enough by Ellen Hendriksen
...nor am I rushing to find a new relationship or date. For me, this is more about not letting my perfectionism get in the way of having fun and exploring. This breakup has been devastating for me, and even though I'm the one who called it, I still recognize that I have stuff to work on, and that I absolutely had a role in the undoing of my previous relationship.
To be responsible and to break up with my own bad relationship habits, I've been going to therapy again, reading a ton of self help books, been going to church, journalling a lot, etc.
“I don’t think we can wait to be perfect versions of ourselves before we allow a little space for happiness […] I’m glad I have friendships that remind me of that.”
- from Never Been Better by Leanne Toshiko Simpson
I'm a slow healer. Even for physical illnesses, it takes me a while to bounce back. I expect this heartache from my recent breakup will be much the same. I'm trying to get myself sorted and I certainly don't want to trauma dump on my dates, and still, I'm not going to wait until I feel totally healed and ready. I will be open to what comes my way, neither forcing nor running from dating opportunities. I like dating. Right now I need some space, though I'm thinking by the time summer is over I'll be in a different headspace and ready to try again.
Others sometimes self-sabotage relationships because they don't feel worthy or good enough and because they have a lot of old hurt to unpack and release. The truth many forget is that it is possible to work on healing yourself while also being in a healthy relationship. Waiting to be perfectly healed before you let yourself love someone is going to an unnecessary extreme. No one enters a relationship as a flawless human being.
p. 171 How to Love Better by Yung Pueblo
