What Does Being Single Look Like Now?
I wasn't anticipating being single at this point in my life. So what does being single this time around mean for me?
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| Above: the Love Yourself/With My Whole Heart album cover by Sufjan Stevens |
In the spring I decided to end a two year monogamous relationship I was in. While I stand by the decision, I cannot deny that it has been much more difficult than I anticipated. Though I have always enjoyed my own company and have plenty of solo hobbies (whether I've been single or with someone), this time around I've found its stung a bit more because I really didn't anticipate being single at this point of my life. I've been a caught a bit off guard, if you will.
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| Post above from this post on Consent Wizardry instagram! |
Here's what I've been reading/watching/thinking about as I ponder the end of that relationship, and as I prepare myself for whatever is next.
What to read
all about love: new visions by bell hooks
If I had to just pick two books for you to read, I would pick this book, all about love by bell hooks and The Courage to be Disliked, listed below. But all about love would be my first pick for sure.
Let me read you some excerpts!
- Choosing Love/Against Fear by bell hooks
- Self-acceptance and Responsibility with bell hooks
- Love as an Action, Not a Feeling with bell hooks
- Love and Friendship with bell hooks
How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion by Yung Pueblo.
This book comes with one caveat: Yung Pueblo talks a lot about meditation throughout this book, like, too much in my opinion. It feels repetitive and this is not a book about meditation. So you might want to rent from the library before buying just in case you find it to be too much (I was annoyed by it but definitely got a lot out of this book nevertheless).
Books by Dr. Harriet Lerner
Lerner's work is older, but I have read The Dance of Connection twice now, as well as The Dance of Anger, and both gave me so much food for thought. They are written in a very accessible way, with lots of anecdotes of relationships, families, friendships, and work that will no doubt ring true for you one some level.
The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
I have written and spoke a lot about this book. I liked it so much, I pretty much immediately bought a copy each for myself and my ex-boyfriend after I read it for the first time, having borrowed it from the library. Every date I have been on since I've been single again, I have recommended this book to whichever guy I'm seeing and indeed, I think it will land particularly with guys, though I learned much from it as well.
Inspiration: Loving being Single
I'm loving the proliferation of content that explores the positive side of being single! Here are some influencers/podcasts/books that I've especially appreciated.
Chloe Bow
I learned about Chloe Bow via her interview on Arlene is Alone! I also really enjoy her instagram.
is a blogger based in the UK who writes a lot about being single. I really like her instagram, she frequently talks about her ups and down and goals and successes and challenges in a way that feels very authentic and vulnerable.
Talk about being single in Canada! Or relationships, generally. CanCon for single gals and I love it.
Spinster: Making a Life of One's Own by Kate Bolick
I have read this book once years ago while I was actually married to my ex-wife, and it's on my list to re-read for sure.
Preparing to love again
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| Above: from Consent Wizardry instagram |
The internet does suck a lot of the time, and I also have to recognize that even in the two years since I was single last, there are so many resources I have discovered that teach people how to love well, better, and how to be better in relationships. Its fantastic!
I follow their IG and love it, learning lots.
Also enjoy his IG
Honestly just cute and sweet
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| Above: also from Consent Wizardry instagram |
Their IG is great and their posts give me lots of food for thought, especially when it comes to dating.
Listen
Particularly these two episodes:
- on self-respect: giving us back to ourselves
- god comes to those who give up: on surrender and emptying out
Any of Jessie Reyez's albums
Nobody does a revenge breakup album like Jessie Reyez, and sometimes, its just what a gal needs. Actually, I would love it if she was on Arlene is Alone!!
Girlfriend by Grace Ives
Blue by Joni Mitchell
...is essentially what it means to be a woman and is arguably the breakup album.
Violets for Roses by Lana del Rey
Really, anything by Lana del Rey has got me listening these days.
Love Yourself/With My Whole Heart by Sufjan Stevens
