Scenes from Dating: Advice and Observations
For the first time in my adult life, I was single and dating 2023-2024. I learned SO much -- here's what I have to say about dating.
I was with my ex-wife from the ages of 19-32. We were married for 5 of those years, lived together for about 10 of those years total. We decided to (amicably) end our marriage in the summer of 2022, and I began dating for the first time ever as an adult in January 2023.
For real - I had almost no experience dating men, and I had never, ever used a dating app (me and my ex wife missed all that! We met the old-fashioned way -- in person, at university). As such, dating was a minefield of new etiquette and expectations. Through a lot of dates and discussions with my friends, here is what I learned about dating.
Treat every date as if you are meeting an old friend & everyone is nervous on first dates
I have had so many friends and acquaintances complain about dating in Vancouver. I treated it largely as a social experiment. I also had some excellent advice at the start of dating from one of my best friends: start every date like you're meeting an old friend.
This was such simple, immensely helpful advice.
Everyone is nervous on dates - me, the men I met, no matter how confident they were or seemed leading up to the first date. Some people just hide it better than others.
What I did practically was be patient, gracious, and kind to the best of my ability. I usually hugged them and dove right into the basics as I would with any other friend - how was your day, how was the commute to the location of our date, etc. I always hoped to go for a pleasant social exchange, not an interview.
Nothing compares with face to face
I aimed to go very quickly from chatting online to meeting in real life, often asking the guy out first before he asked me. Personally, I am really not good with first impressions - neither making one upon my date, nor understanding theirs. It takes me a bit to get to know someone and make an assessment of their character.
First dates were simple for me - did I feel safe around this person, would I want to see them again. That's it.
The other thing that struck me was I could really never tell what a person was going to be like prior to meeting them, personality wise.
For example, I would have minimal, banal conversation with a person online only to be delighted that our conversation in real life was engaging, entertaining, and well, fun!
I also experienced the opposite - communication that was refreshingly honest, intriguing, amusing, only to meet the person in real life and the conversation was awkward and stunted (in which case I worked my butt off to try and make the date less awkward in keeping with my friend's advice).
Chemistry is also not something you can predict. You can have a chatty, flirty conversation via the apps, and obviously, accuracy of pictures in online dating profiles is one thing. You can think someone is hot, and maybe they ARE hot in real life when you meet them, but there just isn't any chemistry.
Go in with low expectations
When I was dating, I was reeling from the end of my marriage, and overwhelmed by dating for the first time in my adult life.
Luckily, I have an excellent relationship with my ex-wife. Knowing that she is my soul mate still (another very wise friend has told me that your soul mate does NOT have to be your romantic partner), and that I had experienced true love already (I have zero doubts whatsoever that my ex loved/loves me truly and I her) gave me an immense sense of peace and satisfaction; I didn't need to go looking for something I was already so comfortable in having experienced; I was just looking for fun, new experiences with dating.
As such, it was easy to go into dates with low expectations: I wasn't going to meet the love of my life or my soulmate, because I had already done so! This date, no matter how long we would end up seeing each other for, would very likely not change my life. Stakes were low. Best case scenario, I met someone cool, had a good time, met a new friend. Worst case scenario, I would spend a couple awkward hours with someone, oh well!
Everyone is bored, lonely, and horny
...and that is what brings them to dating. Sometimes what brings people to dating is just one or two of the things above. Our 'underlying agenda' with what brings us to dating will shift as you date, sometimes you may be more lonely than anything, and that will shape your experience accordingly.
You get back what you put in
If you go into a date intending to use someone to buy you dinner or a drink, that is what you will get back. That's a basic intention and karma thing - it is foolish (and rude, IMO) to assume you will find love if you go into a date intending to treat someone as your piggy bank for the night.
It is super easy to get attached & that's human
I personally didn't struggle with this, because I had some very specific goals and intentions with dating. But it's easy to get caught up. Think about it -- if someone's love language is, say, words of affirmation, and you give them a well-meaning, thoughtful compliment, they could possibly take that a lot more to heart than you intended.
When I was dating, I was doing so at the same time as a couple of my close friends. Eventually, we all agreed that it's better to assume "low feelings, not no feelings." Because when you are lonely, bored, horny (see point above) and dating, things will land differently at different times. You're not a robot or a psychopath, and that's okay.
If you struggle with boundaries and getting attached too easily or quickly, I super recommend reading all about love: new visions by the late, great, bell hooks.
Men are often very frightened, fearful individuals
Please note: this is a broad generalization based only on my own experiences of dating cis men exclusively.
I was so alarmed by this, and to be honest, it made me deeply sad more than anything. As I said above, it wasn't like I didn't care about these men. I cared enough to meet them in person, and some of course I met up with more than once. This certainly wasn't the case with all the men I dated, but it was unsettling how many of them seemed so terribly frightened of so many things.
It was so surprising to me that I even made a short video about this observation after I read The Courage to be Disliked: The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga -- much of what I read in this book resonated with me as I reflected upon some of my experiences dating.
