Best Of Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga's "The Courage to Be Disliked"

Here is a selection of memorable quotes from The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn't that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.

p.35

A quote for all us short kings:

PHILOSOPHER: […] I am 61 inches tall. Adler was apparently around the same height. There was a time—until I was right around your age, actually - when I was concerned about my height. I was sure that things would be different if I were of average height, eight or even just four inches taller. As if a more enjoyable life were waiting for me. I talked to a friend about it when I was having these feelings, and he said it was  "a bunch of nonsense" and simply dismissed it.

YOUTH: That's horrible! Some friend.

PHILOSOPHER: And then he said, "What would you do if you got taller? You know, you've got a gift for getting people to relax." With a man who's big and strong, it's true, it does seem he can end up intimidating people just because of his size. With someone small like me, on the other hand, people let go of their wariness. So it made me realize that having a small build was a desirable thing both to me and to those around me. In other words, there was a transformation of values. I'm not worried about my height anymore.

p. 57-58

If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn't feel the need to boast. It's because ones feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts. One feels the need to flaunt ones superiority all the more. There's the fear that if one doesn't do that, not a single person will accept one "the way I am." This is a full-blown superiority complex.

p. 68-69

This is what is so terrifying about competition. Even if you're not a loser, even it you re someone who keeps on winning, it you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment's peace. You don't want to be a loser. And you always have to keep on winning it you don't want to be a loser. You can't trust other people. The reason so many people don't really feel happy while they're building up their success in the eyes of society is that they ate living in competition. Because to them, the world is a perilous place that is overflowing with enemies. 

p. 78

Now we come to the important part. When you are able to truly feel that" people are my comrades," your way of looking at the world will change utterly. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place, or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place. And your interpersonal relationship problems will decrease dramatically.

p. 80

Irascible people do not have short tempers-it is only that they do not know that there are effective communication tools other than anger. That is why people end up saying things like "I just snapped" or, "He flew into a rage." We end up relying on anger to communicate.

p. 88

Because of one's mind-set of not wanting to lose, one is unable to admit one's mistake, the result being that one ends up choosing the wrong path. Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles— none of these things is defeat. The pursuit of superiority is not something that is carried out through competition with other people.

p. 89

The kind of relationship that feels somehow oppressive and strained when the two people are together cannot be called love, even if there is passion. When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt ones superiority. That is what real love is like. Restriction, on the other hand, is a manifestation of the mind-set of attempting to control ones partner, and also an idea founded on a sense of distrust. Being in the same space with someone who distrusts you isnt a natural situation that one can put up with, is it? As Adler says, "If two people want to live together on good terms, they must treat each other as equal personalities."

p. 98

People who are obsessed with such a desire for recognition will seem to be looking at other people, while they are actually looking only at themselves. They lack concern for others and are concerned solely with the "I." Simply put, they are self-centered.

p. 166

A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which ones sole concern is with the "I."

p. 167

People who have concern only for themselves think that they are at the center of the world. To such people, others are merely "people who will do something for me." They half genuinely believe that every one else exists to serve them and should give precedence to their feelings.[…] They make a leap from being "life's protagonist" to becoming "the world's protagonist." For this reason, whenever they come into contact with another person, all they can think is, What will this person give me? However — and this is something that does not hold true for princes and princesses— this expectation is not going to be satisfied on every occasion. Because other people are not living to satisfy your expectations.

p. 168-169

Now we will go back to where we started. All of us are searching for the sense of belonging, that "it's okay to be here" In Adlerian psychology, however, a sense of belonging is something that one can attain only by making an active commitment to the community of ones own accord, and not simply by being here.

p. 170

One faces ones life tasks. In other words, one takes steps forward on ones own, without avoiding the tasks of the interpersonal relations of work, friendship, and love. If you are "the center of the world, you will have no thoughts whatsoever regarding commitment to the community; because everyone else is "someone who will do something for me," and there is no need for you to do things yourself. But you are not the center of the world, and neither am I. One has to stand on one's own two feet, and take one's own steps forward with the tasks of interpersonal relations. One needs to think not, What will this person give me? but rather, What can I give to this person? That is commitment to the community.

p. 171

I wrote a separate post on the quote below (from p. 181-182) here.

PHILOSOPHER: For example, there are men who verbally abuse their wives, who do all the housework, with such remarks as "You're not bringing in any money, so I don't want  hear it" or "It's thanks to me that there's food on the table." And I'm sure you've heard this one before: "You have everything you need, so what are you complaining about?" It's perfectly shameful. Such statements of economic superiority or the like have no connection whatsoever to human worth. A company employee and a full-time housewife simply have different workplaces and roles, and are truly "equal but not the same.”

YOUTH: I agree entirely.

PHILOSOPHER: They are probably afraid that women will grow wise to their situation and start earning more than men do, and that women will start asserting themselves. They see all interpersonal relations as vertical relationships, and they are afraid of being seen by women as beneath them. That is to say, they have intense, hidden feelings of inferiority.

p. 181-182

When one is not following through with one's tasks, it is not because one is without ability. Adlerian psychology tells us that the issue here is not one of ability but simply that "one has lost the courage to face one's tasks." And if that is the case, the thing to do before anything else is to recover that lost courage.

p. 185

It's quite simple. It is when one is able to feel "I am beneficial to the community" that one can have a true sense of one's worth. This is the answer that would be offered in Adlerian psychology […] That one can act on the community, that is to say, on other people, and that one can feel "I am of use to someone." Instead of feeling judged by another person as "good," being able to feel, by way of one's own subjective viewpoint, that "I can make contributions to other people." It is at that point that, at last, we can have a true sense of our own worth. Everything we have been discussing about community feeling and encouragement connects here.

p. 187

Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as "good." And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person's yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person's yardstick and put the brakes on ones own freedom. "Thank you," on the other hand, rather than being judgment, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.

p. 188

PHILOSOPHER: You are not the one who decides if your contributions are of use. That is the task of other people, and is not an issue in which you can intervene. In principle, there is not even any way you can know whether you have really made a contribution. That is to say, when we are engaging in this contribution to others, the contribution does not have to be a visible one—all we need is the subjective sense that"I am of use to someone," or in other words, a feeling of contribution.

YOUTH: Wait a minute! If that's the case, then what you are calling happiness is . ..

PHILOSOPHER: Do you see it now? In a word, happiness is the feeling of contribution. That is the definition of happiness.

p. 234

What kind of goal is the act of going on a journey? Suppose you are going on a journey to Egypt. Would you try to arrive at the Great Pyramid of Giza as efficiently and quickly as possible, and then head straight back home by the shortest route? One would not call that a "journey." You should be on a journey the moment you step outside  your home, and all the moments on the way to your destination should be a journey. Of course, there might be circumstances that prevent you from making it to the pyramid, but that does not mean you didn't go on a journey. This is "energeial life."

p. 250-251

Lifestyle is about here and now, and is something that one can change of ones own volition. The life of the past that looks like a straight line appears that way to you only as a result of your making ceaseless resolutions to not change. The life that lies ahead of you is a completely blank page, and there are no tracks that have been laid for you to follow. There is no story there.

p. 254

The greatest life-lie of all is to not live here and now. It is to look at the past and the future, cast a dim light on one’s entire life, and believe that one has been able to see something. Until now, you have turned away from the here and now and shone a light only on invented pasts and futures. You have told a great lie to your life, to these irreplaceable moments.

p. 257

The world in which we live is constantly beset by all manner of horrendous events, and we exist with the ravages of war and natural disasters all around us. When confronted by the fact of children dying in the turmoil of war, there is no way one can go on about the meaning of life. In other words, there is no meaning in using generalizations to talk about life. But being confronted by such incomprehensible tragedies without taking any action is tantamount to affirming them. Regardless of the circumstances, we must take some form of action. We must stand up to Kant's "inclination."

p. 259

During the war, my grandfather was firebombed, and his face was severely burned. In every way, it was a horrendous and inhumane event. It would certainly have been within the realm of possibility for him to choose a lifestyle with the perspective of "the world is a horrible place" or "people are my enemies." However, when my grandfather rode the train on visits to the hospital, there were always other passengers who would give up their seats for him. This is something I heard about through my mother, so I do not know how he actually felt. But this is what I believe: My grandfather chose a lifestyle with the perspective of "People are my comrades, and the world is a wonderful place." That is exactly what Adler is pointing to when he says whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual. So life in general has no meaning whatsoever. But you can assign meaning to that life. And you are the only one who can assign meaning to your life.

p. 259-260

No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of "I contribute to others", you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like. Whether you're disliked or not, you pay it no mind and live free.

p. 261

One more time, I give you the words of Adler: "Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: You should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not."

p. 263

Wanting to live sincerely is an important thing, but it is not enough on its own. Adler tells us that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. But if one does not know how to build good interpersonal relationships, one may end up trying to satisfy other people’s expectations. And unable to communicate out of fear of hurting other people even when one has something to assert, one may end up abandoning what one really wants to do.

p. 269