Why I'm Not Having Kids
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| Above: Maggie and Sophia from Trickster |
Despite being very hard-working and ambitious, I rather infamously have no major life plan for What I Want. The only thing I do know For Sure is that I never want to have children or be a parent. Even in 2021, this stance of mine continues to be controversial, especially for women.
Taking the time to write this post then begs the question of why I'm even doing it in the first place. I guess I would say that there's so much about women's lives and health that have been taboo in history -- breast cancer, cervical cancer, miscarriages, just to name a few things. Now we see people speaking about these experiences, and when they do, it helps to lift the taboo altogether. Slowly, steadily, things change.
Admittedly, it has been hard for me to write this post with compassion (see point 'So you hate people who choose to be parents?'). Being married and in my thirties, I am constantly asked about if/when I am having children--by my friends, parents, coworkers, people who are supposed to be providing me with care and who are essentially strangers (hairdressers, dental hygenists, dermatologists), etc. It makes me defensive because I wonder if I can even have a legacy that is not tied to my status of not/being a parent. Even though I know this isn't true (See point 'How will you feel fulfilled?'), it is still very discouraging to go through it.
So, without further ado, here are my answers to some frequently asked questions that I get regarding the matter of Why I'm Not Having Kids.
My big caveat for all of this is to remember: if I was a man, I would very likely never or rarely be asked these questions.
Why don't you want to have kids?
I don't want want to have kids or be a parent because I know in my deeply and truly in my heart it is not what I want, and that I am not meant to be a parent. Knowing that I don't want to be a parent feels as hard-wired to me as my sexual orientation or gender identity; it's who I am.
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| Above: three generations of Villanueva women in Jane the Virgin |
This doesn't seem to be socially acceptable yet for women to claim, while the opposite is true -- it is okay for women to say they feel they ARE meant to be parents. Pop culture examples: Charlotte in Sex and the City or Jennifer Garner's character in Juno, etc.
Lesser reasons include your more run-of-the-mill stuff:
- I am deeply concerned about the environment and state of the world, and I doubt my strength of character to raise little ones in such a place
- I don't want the responsibility
You'll change your mind.
I'm weirdly sympathetic to this question/statement - the arrogance of youth, the inexperience of living, etc, would suggest that I still have much to learn in the ways of the world, and I therefore might have some sort of an Aha moment where I wake up and realize I do want to be a parent. I get the impulse to think that, and I must gently and firmly insist that my truth right now is that I won't change my mind.
I think this question is the one where my immediate family and friends doubt me the most, and it's my own fault in a way. I swore up and down for the longest time that I would never get married, and then poof, one day I woke up and just knew it was time to get married. I would guess that if I seem that impulsive towards the idea of marriage, I must be similarly fickle to the idea of parenthood.
To me, marriage and parenthood are extremely different experiences, and one does not lead to the inevitability of the other for me.
Lastly, I am in my thirties, and I haven't had a single minute in my life thus far where I've had baby fever, and I've never experienced anything I would consider 'maternal instincts'. Have I experienced care for children and infants? Yes, absolutely (see next question), but nothing that feels so primal like "I HAVE to have kids of my own".
So you hate kids?
Absolutely untrue. I'm awkward and not great/natural with kids and I adore my nieces and nephews, seeing and being with them (when it's COVID safe, of course) is one of the major joys in my life.
I believe all kids deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe. I have donated a lot to BC Children's Hospital and BC Women's hospital in past years. I think putting government funds into childcare, elementary and secondary education is super, super important and integral to a healthy society.
So you hate people who choose to be parents?
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| Above: Call the Midwife, one of my very fave shows. |
I'll admit, I'm by no means a saint--I am judgemental of people (celebrities or people I know IRL) who I think are bad parents, etc. I'm not proud of it, and I also recognize this is a flaw of mine (and, I assume, of most people).
Something I find interesting is how, generally speaking, I as a person who does not want to have children am expected to be gracious, supportive, and understanding of people who are parents, but the reverse is not as true. When people who are parents hear that I don't want to be a parent, they do not often extend the same compassion and understanding, which is unfortunate.
While I worry about the environment, over-population, etc, I don't begrudge parents at all (or secretly think them fools) for having kids, it is what it is. Babies bring hope. There are many, many excellent parents out there.
I'm excited for my friends who are thinking of starting families.
I want to have more nieces and nephews.
I love working with people who have children.
I think supporting working parents is extremely important.
Incidentally, Call the Midwife is one of my favourite TV shows of all time. Chummy says in the show at one point that she's "always thought women's health was extremely important," or something like that, and I couldn't agree more, which of course includes prenatal and maternal health.
Is it because you're a feminist?
No? At least I never think to say that I don't want to have kids because I'm a feminist. Simply, I am a feminist and I don't want to have kids. I think my ability and articulation of my reasoning not to have children is largely done through a feminist and anti-oppressive lens, though I wouldn't ever say I'm not having kids because I'm a feminist. That's...weird, or wholly besides the point, at least to me.
It will be different when it's your own kids.
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| Above: from Brown Skin Girl by Beyoncé |
Okay, so THIS question I actually take a bit of an offence to, unlike the "you'll change your mind" thing I always hear.
My issue with this question is that it implies a couple of things:
- that I'm presumed to have a preternatural ability to be a parent (despite very little or even contradictory evidence)
- that I find other parents and children tedious or inferior (untrue)
- I feel like this statement also very subtly implies you can only truly be a (good, capable, healthy) parent if your children are your biological children, which I vehemently disagree with
Finally, this statement honestly sickens me in a way because it is an awfully big risk. You would risk me having kids, trying to parent for a while, and then what, just HOPING I'll fall in love with parenting and be a natural at it? What if I don't? That poor little baby in question would be a guinea pig. Are children and babies really so invaluable that we adults can merely try our hand at being parents before we actually decide to commit, just because it's different when it's your own kids? No way, cowboy. It wouldn't be different if it was my own kids, and I'm certainly not willing to gamble this massive risk.
But you'd be good at it!
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| Above: from The Family Law, which is on CBC Gem! |
I've also been told I would be a great teacher, and that has never been one of my ambitions. I am a good-enough cook, and I don't enjoy cooking. It's possible to be good at something and not enjoy it or have ambitions towards it.
Your babies would be so cute!
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| Above: Kristie Alley and Denise Richards in Drop Dead Gorgeous |
Is this actually a reason to have kids?
The thought of having children because they would be good-looking is unethical to me, not to mention steeped in colorism and thin privilege.
Kids are not decorations or props for a lifestyle blog.
Besides, I think we put far too much unfair and unhealthy emphasis on children having to be cute or adorable.
Are you physically unable to have children?
Maybe! I don't actually know. I could have some fertility struggles that I'm just not aware of because I've never pursued it.
Are you gonna save your eggs just in case?
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| Above: David and Johnny Rose |
I am not. I am sympathetic to people who do do this, and it's also not something I've even looked into.
What does your spouse think?
At first she was a little bummed, and now we love our DINK lives.
Out of the two of us, she is more compelled by the environmental arguments than emotional ones- she is deeply concerned about climate change, etc, impacting the happiness and safety of any would-be little ones.
She loves being an Auntie and is great with our nieces and nephews.
What does your family think?
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| Above: Emily and Lorelai Gilmore |
They (parents, inlaws, siblings, aunts and uncles, etc) are largely devastated and react in very different ways, which I will not detail here for their privacy.
I would like to emphasize a this point that our decision to not have children has nothing to do with the way we were raised. My spouse has excellent parents, so do I. They did everything right, we were both always happy, healthy, and safe.
Would you ever consider fostering or adopting kids?
Fostering maybe, though I very much doubt my emotional fibre to care for a child who is in the foster care system. I wish I had the emotional capacity and strength, and I don't think I do.
Adopting kids IS having kids and being a parent, so no, I would not consider adopting. I am also increasingly skeptical and questioning of the ethics of adoption, which is a whole other kettle of fish.
Who will take care of you when you're old?
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| Above: The Crain family from Haunting of Hill House Season 1 |
Practically speaking, I'm not convinced I will reach old age. Long story, but a family curse suggests that I have about a 1 in 7 chance of not making it much past 40.
The coldness and cruelty of a capitalist society further suggests that no matter what I do, no one will care for me or my spouse. Can one be both utopian and pessimistic about specific things like this? I dunno.
How will you feel fulfilled?
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| Above: from The Glorias, directed by Julie Taymor |
The same way men without children feel fulfilled.
The same way Anaïs Nin, Frida Kahlo, Oprah, Stevie Nicks, Amy Tan, Dolly Parton, Gloria Steinem, Ellen and Portia, the Brontë sisters, Jane Austen, Julia Child, Emily Carr, Dorothy Whipple, etc, felt or feel fulfilled.
I have many women in my life who have not had children, I do not pity them. They are important and valuable to me, and have had a critical impact on my life.
And you know when it's all gone, something carries on
And it's not morbid at all just when nature's had enough of you
When my blood stops, someone else's will not
When my head rolls off, someone else's will turn
You can mark my words, I'll make changes to earth
While I'm alive, I'll make tiny changes to earth
-from Heads Roll Off by Frightened Rabbit
Are there any circumstances in which you would have kids?
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Above: From Mustang (2016) directed by Deniz Gamze Ergüven
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16 Writers Take On the Stigma of Not Having Kids by Stephanie Abraham on Bitch (my fave quotes from this book on the blog here)
Listen: Just One Of the Guys by Jenny Lewis (the video also stars Brie Larson, Kristen Stewart, and Anne Hathaway).
Estranged by Joshua Coleman on Aeon
