Best Of "Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed" edited by Meghan Daum

Here is a selection of memorable quotes from the essay collection Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not To Have Kids edited and with an introduction by Meghan Daum

Painting above: At the Dressing-table (Self portrait) c. 1909 by Zinaida Serebriakova

So much of being a grown-up is about managing or quelling desires. For food, for drink, for sex, for good times; if you're a woman, I maintain, for ambition. You should not want too much. It is strange, then, to be in a position where society demands you should have an appetite for something. And yet here as a rare instance where I was appetite-free, and the world seemed to be saying,"You have to want this thing, if only so that we can help you work through your feelings about not having it!"

- from "Babes in the Woods" by Courtney Hodell

I admire women who look at the rigours of parenting and decide they're just not cut out for it, or just don't want to try, and I wish that we had more conversations about childlessness that didn't force us to approach them from such a defensive place. I'm also sensitive to the fact that there are plenty of women in the world who want children and are unable to have them naturally, or women who have miscarried, often more than once, on their journey to parenthood. It seems hostile and uncaring to have a conversation about motherhood that is rooted in selfishness when so many women are unable to walk down that road.

- from "Save Yourself" by Danielle Henderson

But to me, the lack of desire to have a child is innate. It exists outside of my control. I tis simply who I am and I can take neither credit nor blame for all that it may or may not signify. But the decision to honour that desire, to find a way to be whole on my own terms even if it means facing the judgment, scorn, and even pity of mainstream society, is a victory. It's a victory I celebrate every day.

- from "Save Yourself" by Danielle Henderson

It also seems honourable that another woman would value motherhood over all my priorities. But I do not believe that I am selfish and she is not. There are women who choose motherhood for selfish reasons. There are mothers who act selfishly even if they chose motherhood in a burst of altruistic love. Selfishness and generosity are not relegated to particular life choices, and if generosity is a worthy life goal - and I believe it is - perhaps our task is to choose the path that for us creates its best opportunity. It is quite possible that I would be a less generous teacher, a less supportive partner, a less available friend if I had children of my own to take care of. Love is not a pie, the saying goes, but it is also true that there are only so many hours in a day.

- from "The Trouble with Having It All" by Pam Houston

This meant that I had to work through the implications of being radically different from most other women in a fundamental way, that my requirements for happiness and fulfillment actually precluded the things they found crucial. I tried to confront every feeling I had, no matter how excruciating. Taking this route to self-fulfillment required that I pay attention to what I real felt, as opposed to what I was supposed to feel, or wished I did. Only then could I grieve for the lost possibilities that lay in all I was ruling out; grieving for the road not taken is a healthy thing to do. That has served me well.

- from "Beyond Beyond Motherhood" by Jeanne Safer

Real self-acceptance, real liberation, involves acknowledging limitations, not grandiosely denying them. It is true, and should be recognized, that women can be fulfilled with or without children, that you can most definitely have enough without having everything. How fortunate we are to live in an era when we can make deeply considered choices about which life suits us, and that now the world looks slightly less askance if we go against the flow. Making the less common choice has its gratifications but also its drawbacks. Having enough - and having the right stuff for us - is all we can get, and all we need. For me, what I hoped in 1989 that I could achieve has come to fruition: my womb has always been empty, but my life is full.

- from "Beyond Beyond Motherhood" by Jeanne Safer