Listening versus Persuading: What Listening is Not
Here are a few different experts on listening, curiosity, and what listening is not
There is a lot going on in the world right now, and our feelings of fear and insecurity are exacerbated by a feeling of great political divides and polarization.
Below, three experts tell us why being able to listen, combined with respectful curiosity, can perhaps give us hope and tools with which we can listen and communicate effectively during these troubling times. Hope and connection is more within reach than you may think, and I think you will see some common, recurring advice among the three of them!
From Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World by Scott Shigeoka
When we use curiosity as a practice of connection instead of only as an intellectual exercise, the goal isn't to know but rather to understand.
p. 38
When we turn the knob to deep curiosity, it has the potential to be life-altering. But in order to get there, we need to come at it with presence and not see it as a tool of persuasion. The minute your curiosity is attached to an agenda or judgment-such as trying to change someone's beliefs or behaviours — it becomes what I call "predatory curiosity ." That's when you turn the knob and go through the door with ulterior motives.
p. 44-45
They also say that listening is a more potent tool than talking since valuing the other person— even if you find their ideas offensive or harmful-can open the door to an actual dialogue and relationship.
p. 46
From We Need To Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter by Celeste Headlee
Listening to someone doesn't mean agreeing with them. The purpose of listening is to understand, not to endorse
p.64
This comes from a remarkable anecdote that Headlee relays in We Need To Talk about Xernona Clayton. I read this story in full on YouTube here. Headlee discuss the anecdote further below:
Xernona has explained that she didn't set out to change Craig's mind. Dr. King had told her, "You've got to change a man's heart before you can change his behavior."
I love this story because it exemplifies the power of conversation between two people who are willing to listen to and learn from each other. It shows us how transformative conversation can be. It's also a response to all of the people who claim they "just can't" talk to someone else because their opinions are too offensive.
If an African American woman can talk respectfully and openly with a grand dragon in the KKK, I find it hard to believe that you can't talk to the guy in the coffee shop who's wearing a Trump T-shirt or the woman in your office who can't stop talking about her vegan diet.
p.62
From The Dance Of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner, PhD
Speaking to the differences is not the same as trying to convince or change the other person. It doesn't imply that the other person is wrong and that truth is on our side, although we may be convinced that's so. Instead, it requires us to clarify and refine our differences with as much respect for the other person's different perspective as we can muster. This respect, and our willingness to listen, can be contagious.
But that's not why we do it. When speaking to any hot issue with a family member, we should stay focused on what we want to say about ourselves, rather than on eliciting a particular response from the other person. If we're needing (as opposed to hoping for) a particular response from the other person, that's a good indication we're not yet ready to broach a difficult conversation.
p. 81
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