Best Of Dr. Emily Anhalt's "Flex Your Feelings"

Here is a selection of memorable quotes from Flex Your Feelings: Train Your Brain to Develop the 7 Traits of Emotional Fitness by Dr. Emily Anhalt

According to researchers at Harvard, the number of questions you ask in a conversation correlates directly with the satisfaction experienced by the other person. People who ask nine or more questions in an exchange are found to be far more likeable than those who ask fewer than four. Successful salespeople ask ten or more. That's why they' re successful.

p. 83

There is a huge misconception about grief—that it's only for the loss of loved ones, but really, grieving should take place anytime anything important to you is lost. Divorce, a job, an illness, even a missed opportunity, like failing to get a promotion [...]

And grief can look like a lot of things-sometimes, it follows the classic path laid out by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance.

But more often than not, it's an unpredictable process that asks you to acknowledge what you've been through, let yourself feel it, and get the support you need to move forward. As frustrating as it can be, it's a process that needs time to work in order for you to heal. Not grieving is like returning to the gym too quickly after an injury. You risk re-injury--making the problem ten times worse. You have to pause. Regroup. Reset.

p. 122-123

One of the best ways you can strengthen your empathy is to expose yourself to as many different cultures and experiences as you possibly can. Columbia Business School professor Adam Galinsky has long studied the benefits of travel on the brain and believes that exploring new places increases our propensity for perspective-taking, which is critical to empathy. When you step outside of your normal life and immerse yourself in novel contexts, you're forced to look through a different lens. Simple acts like listening to a new genre of music, touring an unfamiliar neighborhood, or trying a new type of food, all provide eye-opening opportunities. The key is to go in with an open mindset and an eagerness to see the world through perspectives unlike your own [...] Diverse experiences rewire your brain, making you a more flexible empath. Expand your horizons-watch a documentary, read a book, take a class, go somewhere

p. 153

Consider a situation where you and your partner have been arguing about household chores. You feel that you're taking on more than your air share and want to confront them about it. Instead of approaching the issue as "me versus you," reframe it as "us versus the unbalanced workload." Initiate a conversation with your partner, focusing on your shared desire for a harmonious and equitable household. You could say, "We're both so busy, and there are also a lot of chores to do. I know we both want to create a home where we feel supported and appreciated. Let's think together about how we can divide tasks more fairly and find a system that works for both of us." By presenting the problem as a shared challenge, you invite your partner to collaborate and find a solution that benefits your relationship as a whole.

p. 178

Heading into a tough conversation? Get clear on your intention before saying a single word [...] It is wildly common to have a "me versus you" mindset without even intending to or realizing it. In a "me versus you" mindset, an adversarial relationship is created instead of a collaborative one-the other person is seen as the problem. By shifting into an "us versus the problem" mindset, you'll reframe the problem as an external force that you and your counterpart face together. Suddenly, the problem is the problem, not the other person. By joining forces against a problem (instead of each other) you'll be much more likely to communicate effectively and find a solution.

p. 178

Add this question to your communication repertoire: "Can I complain without blame?" This phrase will come in handy when you want to voice a frustration to someone without implying it's their fault. It's a way to go from "me versus you" to "us versus the problem" and prevent the other person from feeling blamed or getting defensive.

p. 185

But any relationship whether  it's romantic or platonic, with family, or at work, I believe that conflict in a relationship is like exercise to a muscle. Think about it this way: Exercise creates microtears in muscle. When you lift weights, you are actually doing a tiny bit of damage to your muscles. If you worked that same muscle over and over and never rested, you'd permanently damage it. But, if you allow for repair by resting, drinking water, eating protein, and getting a good night's sleep, then the muscle will heal stronger than it was before and will adapt to better handle the stress of future exercise.

Over time, not only will you be able to lift more weight than you could before, but you'll also be more equipped to handle other kinds of stress on your body.

This is how I think about conflict in a relationship. The key is repair. When you work through conflict thoughtfully, your relationship will be stronger and better able to handle stress than it was before. And, in fact, there's a certain type of strength and closeness that a relationship can only have on the other side of conflict. I'm sure you can think of a relationship in your life where you've gone

p. 175

Advice is spoken in the language of experience-if someone doesn't share your experience, it will be hard for them to relate to your advice. Similarly, when you share a problem with someone, it helps to let them know beforehand if you're hoping that they'll problem-solve with you or just listen.

p. 172

The more authentically curious you are, the better at communicating you'll be.

p. 170

I am not a fan of the golden rule, "treat others as you would like to be treated," because that assumes that everyone else has the same needs and preferences as you do, and that's not always the case. Instead, the rule should be "treat others the way they need to be treated." Leaning into empathy will transform your relation-ships, and as you better understand your needs and boundaries, as well as the needs and boundaries of others, you'll be in a much better position to solve problems and collaborate through conflict. Of course, this requires good communication. So let's learn how to communicate more effectively.

p. 164

That being said, one pop-psychology trope l'd like to erase from the ethos is the very commonly shared idea that no one will love you until you learn to love yourself. I call bullshit on this one, because I know from the work 1 do that we learn to love ourselves through the love we receive from others, ideally starting with our caregivers when we're young. The truth is, you can't love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love can't be built in isolation. Society pushes the idea that you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps and manifest things for yourself, even if you were never taught how to do that. But that's not really how love works. Instead, surround yourself with people who love you while you learn to love yourself. And, as your love for yourself grows, you will also attract and accept more love into your life from others.

p. 160