Best of Marine Sélénée's "Connected Fates, Separate Destinies"

Here is a selection of memorable quotes from Connected Fates, Separate Destinies: Using Family Constellations Therapy to Recover from Inherited Stories and Trauma by Marine Sélénée

But in a sense, when you fixate on your parents' mistakes or shortcomings and you wish for retribution-or even forgiveness-you are attempting to control the outcomes of their choices, to deliver their fate, something that is not in your power. You cannot take on responsibility for another's actions; you have to leave them to their fate (remember, this is what we mean when we talk about respecting someone else's fate).

p. 66

Love is preceded by respect. When we respect ourselves, we will automatically bring love back.

p. 69

Saying yes is hard. Saying yes is consenting to reality. Saying yes means engaging in enlightened love. Saying yes does not mean approval or endorsement-but it can feel that way, causing us to resist. When we say yes, we are saying, "Yes, this is real life. I can control myself, but I cannot control another person."

p. 140

A good relationship requires that we say yes three times. First, you must say yes to your partner exactly as he or she is, without wanting to change them. This means saying, with 100 percent authenticity, "I say yes to you." It means saying yes to your partner's past: their past partners, their experience of their sexuality, their mistakes, their history. […] Second, you must say yes to your partner's family, exactly as it is […] Third, and finally, you must say yes to your own destiny and to the destiny of your partner. This is easier to do when you have said yes with clear eyes to your partner as they are and to your partner's family as it is. When you have done so, you are grounded in reality. Your vision is unclouded and the path ahead becomes sharper. 

p. 140-141

But when we stay in a relationship that no longer serves our destinies, we stop having agency in our own lives. We perpetuate dysfunctional dynamics and set ourselves up for failure. Sometimes, nurturing a "good" relationship means knowing when to end it, and how: with respect and love.

p. 141

The more we reject our former partners, the more we reject ourselves. We reject that earlier version of ourselves, who sought out that love for whatever reason. We reject our vulnerability; we reject our mistakes; we reject our own history and what it has to offer us. It isn't unlike your dynamic with your parents: The more you can accept and respect your parents, the better able you are to accept and respect yourself. With relationships, the more you can respect your past-the more you respect priority, what came first-not only will you be better grounded in the present moment, but you will be better able to choose a partner who respects and accepts you, and better able to accept and respect your next partner.

p. 142

When you end a relationship with love and respect, as we discussed it, you are saying yes to your destiny—you are choosing yourself.

p. 144

You have to feel secure in your love for yourself first. You have to feel safe with yourself before you ask a partner to make you feel safe. The problem is, when we shift that responsibility to our partner, we alienate ourselves from knowing and understanding our own boundaries.

p. 144

When we avoid the truth of our responsibility for ourselves, we aren't able to say yes to our destiny—to choose ourselves— because we haven't said yes to reality. The more practice we have at choosing ourselves, however, the more safe and secure we feel in ourselves, and the more likely we are to find and sustain the great love we deserve.

p. 147

The first step to healing is to actively choose to thrive instead of merely to survive, to choose yourself, to choose the present.

p. 158

Healing means freedom. The freedom of creating the life that you truly want based on your own terms, beliefs, and values. Not being afraid of not pleasing everyone, of being rejected or abandoned because you think or feel differently. Healing is self-love.

Healing is falling madly in love with your true self, whoever that is. Healing is being safe with yourself, secure with yourself, experiencing belonging in your soul.

p. 175