Best of Scott Shigeoka's "Seek"

Here is a selection of memorable quotes from Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World by Scott Shigeoka 

When we use curiosity as a practice of connection instead of only as an intellectual exercise, the goal isn't to know but rather to understand.

p. 38

When we turn the knob to deep curiosity, it has the potential to be life-altering. But in order to get there, we need to come at it with presence and not see it as a tool of persuasion. The minute your curiosity is attached to an agenda or judgment-such as trying to change someone's beliefs or behaviors — it becomes what I call "predatory curiosity ." That's when you turn the knob and go through the door with ulterior motives.

p. 44-45

This is an especially important concept to grasp when you're using deep curiosity with someone who you don't agree with because our natural impulse might be to try to show them how we are right and they are wrong. It becomes a game of argumentation and winning rather than a collective quest for understanding. We might be using deep curiosity really well until we're triggered by what we feel is an irreconcilable belief-let's say, their stance on abortion or guns —and then use it in a predatory way as a tool to berate or belittle instead. Yet when we try to persuade, we lose sight of the person in front of us and just see their position instead. This puts them on the defensive or causes them to shut down. By not having a genuine interest in their values, upbringing, or personal experiences that shaped their views, you're engaging in predatory curiosity. The reason why this inclination is so pervasive makes sense: The injustices and hurt so many of us endure in our lives can cause us to fixate on trying to change or control the people around us so that we don't experience that same harm again.

p. 45

They also say that listening is a more potent tool than talking since valuing the other person— even if you find their ideas offensive or harmful-can open the door to an actual dialogue and relationship. 

p. 46

In fact, the reason why we might be trying to influence people in the first place could be because of our own lack of knowledge, according to an article by researchers David Gal and Derek Rucker called "When in Doubt, Shout!" They found that the less confident people felt in their opinions about hot-button issues, the more they labored to convince others of their chosen view. Someone who bulldozes through a group with their own opinions-incurious about anyone else's— can actually make it harder for a group to find common understanding or consensus, according to a recent study devised by neuro scientist Beau Sievers. 

p. 46

But if you want to rewrite old stories, know yourself and others, and have the kind of experiences I did with Matt, then you cannot get there without deep curiosity.

p. 52

There's even research that shows trauma shrinks a part of the brain called the hippocampus, which is associated with core functions like curiosity. Trauma, Becker says, causes a person to enter the stages of flight, fight, or freeze—we retreat, lash out, or shut down. These responses are curiosity killers. In fact, through his decades of clinical experience, Becker has found that when people are traumatized, they become less curious about themselves, others, or the world around them.

p. 61

One other way to combat the time famine is to keep systems and institutions accountable. We need to ask challenging questions like: How do we ensure that companies are paying livable wages to their employees, so that people don't need to work two jobs in the first place? How has real estate become so expensive to young buyers? Why are some of us forced to commute when our jobs don't require it? Why don't we have longer parental leave options? By bringing systems and institutions into focus, we prevent ourselves from perpetuating the myth that individuals are solely responsible for the time famine and thus the only actor accountable to change it.

p. 64

Our cities and public spaces have been designed in a way that makes it rare to interact with people who have different life experiences. There's a literal physical distance that exists between us, due to a history of segregation and the decay of shared public spaces. For instance, look at how we're separated by age. For the first time in US history, there are now more older people than younger ones— an increasingly common phenomenon across the world due to advancements in medicine. Yet age-integrated spaces, such as churches and intergenerational households, are vanishing. Now, our country's aging population is more isolated, occupying spaces like nursing homes and retirement communities. In fact, during the last census, the fastest-growing metro area wasn't New York City or Los Angeles— it was The Villages, an affluent retirement community in Florida.

p. 65

Letting go means we might have to admit that we don't have control, that we can be wrong, and that we sometimes do not know something— and, ugh, who wants to do all that? Not to mention, being right and righteous brings social status and power in today's twisted culture.

p. 75-76

Since assumptions are beliefs without proof, an effective way to disrupt them is to simply collect evidence to see whether it proves or disproves them. The way you do this is by actually meeting people you hold assumptions about, asking questions, and seeing whether your claims can be substantiated. Oftentimes, they aren't.

p. 81

My friend and colleague Uma Viswanathan, the founding executive director of the cross-ideological funding collaborative called New Pluralists, once told me about a Jain principle called anekantavada, which roughly means "living in the perhaps-ness." It's the idea that nothing is truly certain or fixed. Things are changing and emergent, and our knowledge is limited. An attachment to certainty is considered a form of arrogance.

p. 93

Certainty can also create a self-fulfilling prophecy that affects the outcomes of your life. When you're certain that you'll never fall in love again, you end up rejecting every romantic inquiry— even if one of them would have actually been an incredible partner and lover for you. If we are certain that we aren't worthy of our job, we can experience impostor syndrome and end up self-sabotaging. In both of these situations, leaning into curiosity and letting go of certainty could have led to new and exciting possibilities. But instead, we prematurely starve these options of any oxygen.

p. 95

In recent years, researchers have explored the nature and benefits of a concept called "intellectual humility" — defined most simply as "the degree to which people recognize that their beliefs might be wrong." Researchers found that when someone admits they are wrong, they are seen as more communal and friendly— and rarely are they seen as less competent. This means that a way to detach from certainty is to become an "admitter" —to loudly and proudly declare to the world: "I was wrong!" Even with those you supervise or those you love, there will be plenty of moments when you aren't right. Devastating, I know. But this should be embraced, and reframed as a good thing that helps others perceive us in a more positive light.

p. 97

Take Pete Docter, the chief creative officer of Pixar, who told me he brings questions and curiosity into his day-to-day work. Not only does this create a warm culture for employees, but it is also good for business. According to research by Francesca Gino, a professor at Harvard Business School, curious leaders who ask more questions make fewer errors in decision-making. They are also more innovative in both creative and noncreative jobs, and have better team performance.

p. 114

Khalid el-Hakim is the founder of the Black History 101 Mobile Museum, a collection of over seven thousand original artifacts of Black memorabilia from the transatlantic slave trade era to hip-hop culture. Showcasing Black history through objects outside of traditional museum spaces, by bringing them instead to a public space like a park, has ignited curiosity and conversations about Black history and culture in a more accessible way. Similarly, Laurelin Kruse created the Mobile Museum of American Artifacts, a traveling trailer filled with objects she's curated from everyday people across the country, which is hitched behind her station wagon. Each object has an associated story written on an index card, which gets onlookers curious about that person and their life.

p. 126

In contrast, when you value someone, you choose a path of connection rather than distance, understanding rather than judgment, and love rather than incuriosity.

p. 142

But these statements of certainty mask the actual truth: that these moments are very painful to us and they are impossible to avoid. No matter how badly we tell ourselves we'll avoid job loss or heartbreak again, this isn't truly in our control. These kinds of hard moments are a part of life. Instead, to be more pragmatic and realistic, we must train ourselves to sit with and look at the hard things in life. We need to see them for all they are—both the good and the bad. We need to make sure we have the bandwidth and resilience to move through these challenging times, and not get lost or spiral because of them.

p. 170

Acknowledging suffering fortifies our inner strength to endure the hardship heading our way—it is an act of fortitude, which means courage in a time of adversity.

p. 183

Being curious with them does not mean you're encouraging, defending, or endorsing their perspective. In addition, curiosity does not absolve them from taking accountability for those beliefs and how they are harmful. At its core, curiosity is about trying to understand a person and where their views come from, while also encouraging them —implicitly or explicitly—to reflect on those views.

p. 197

It takes a unique person to practice nuanced and extreme forms of curiosity-someone like Daryl Davis, a Black man who has forged friendships with members of the Ku Klux Klan. His work of getting curious with white supremacists-and spurring them to get curious about him in return—has caused hundreds to remove their robes and leave the hate group.

P. 197 as well

In our society, pretending that we have all the answers is actually a prison that keeps us in the dark. We tie knowing things to promotions, to decision-making, and to other aspects of our life. That means we look at not knowing as a sign of weakness and subordinacy. Whenever you can, I implore you to push back on this belief and remind people that humility is a strength that should be celebrated. When we admit we don't know something, we are not showing weakness—we are showing integrity.

p. 217